July 5, 2006
“To the one God made for me,
I have spent so much time praying for you! Ever since I was a child I dreamed of my Prince and I know that you are more than I could have ever dreamed of! I have waited so long, and have kept every bit of myself for you!
I know that when you have read this letter, you and I will be completely in love. I have committed myself to you and studied God’s Word so that I can be a precious jewel to your name! I know that you will be a man of God that I will love with all my heart!
Until then...
I love you!
Love, Gretchen”
There is a box of letters underneath my bed that contains bits and pieces of my heart. In the box are ten years’ worth of letters I wrote to my future husband. Filled with longing, dreams, and unfulfilled desires, these letters became an act of surrender and trust to the Lord. Over the years the Lord transformed these letters from being about the man my heart longed for, into love notes to my Savior. In my moments of desperate longing, crying buckets of tears (yes, I’ve cried a lot in my lifetime), the Lord has proven to me over and over that Jesus is the only Man who will ever satisfy my heart. Most of my middle and high school years could be described as a season of waiting. Even at a young age, I longed for marriage. I craved a God-sized love story. I ached for love from a man. These longings culminated in a full box of letters hidden beneath my bed for safe keeping.
I waited on my future husband and postponed goals. I fearfully wrote out five-year plans, hoping they would include marriage. I poured out my heart in letters, and I remember looking through them—still longing, still waiting, still hoping—and I heard a still small voice ask, “Who said you have to wait?” I sat for a moment considering the answer to this question. Was I missing life, waiting for my future husband when I could be living joyfully right now? This question prompted my feet to start walking on a journey of living in the waiting, and I am here to encourage your heart that you weren’t just meant to wait; you were meant to live.
WHAT IS WAITING?
In the Christian world, the concept of waiting on your future husband is woven throughout girls’ ministry. We were created with a hole in our hearts, and we seek to fill it through clothing, achievements, relationships, marriage, and so on. Without realizing it, I fear that we teach girls that through waiting on their future husband, they will both “earn” some kind of right to marriage through “true surrender” to the Lord, or they will someday be fulfilled through the love of a man. In many ways, we set girls up to hope for satisfaction in a man who is also a sinner and will fail to meet their expectations. They put off years of living for the “good stuff” that will come with marriage.
Many years of my life were spent sifting through these deep desires my heart couldn’t shake. Why did I ache so badly for a man? Why would other girls date and get married before me? Were they more surrendered to the Lord than I was? Was I in the wrong place at the wrong time? Did I hang out with my Christian girlfriends too much? Did I need to put myself “out there” more to meet the right kind of guy? Was my stance on “waiting for my future husband” driving away any potential godly men? These were the real, honest questions my heart wrestled with as I wrote each letter and slipped them, one by one, into the box beneath my bed.
THAT ACHE IN YOUR HEART
I went to the Word to search for answers. I looked through and through, asked for wise counsel, got on my knees, and journaled my longings. What I found through those years of searching shocked my romanticist heart—the Bible never tells us to wait for our future husband. Never are we instructed to put off living for the hope of marriage. Never are we told that a husband will fill the needs of our hearts. Instead, what Scripture says is quite different, and it is not about a husband at all—it is about Jesus. Psalm 27:14 contains words of hope I clung to with a fierce grip in my moments of longing. It says:
“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”
Twice we are told to wait. For whom? The LORD. The Hebrew word for “wait” is qavah, meaning “to look for, hope, expect.” Qavah is a verb and it refers to an active waiting. It is not a wishful hoping that Yahweh God will show up and be near. This is a confident expectation rooted in the knowledge that God is faithful and He is the fulfiller of our deepest longings. To wait for Yahweh means to eagerly hope for and expect Him.
The Word of God instructs our wandering hearts to wait for the Lord, because only He can meet our needs for love, salvation, deliverance, and joy. This kind of waiting is not referring to putting life on hold or sitting back and waiting for God to make the dreams and whims of our hearts come to life. It is a holy surrender and worshipful delight in the greatness of who God is.
In verse 8, the Psalmist describes how he waits: “You have said, ‘Seek my face.’ My heart says to you, ‘Your face, LORD, do I seek.’”
We wait by actively seeking the Lord, delighting in His presence, and looking for His fingerprints in all things. Waiting is really living. All of creation is in a period of waiting. Romans 8:22–23 describes this kind of waiting: “For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.” We were made to wait for, to crave, and to long for redemption. Redemption is found in Jesus at the cross. The universe is wired to long for the Lord. As women, we misplace this desire when we long for a man more than we long for Christ.
THE RIGHT KIND OF EXPECTATION
Expectations will fail us when we place our hopes in things and people that were not meant to fulfill us. As a woman, if you expect a man—even a God-fearing man—to fulfill your heart, you have both set up your own heart and the heart of the man you love for failure. People cannot fulfill each other. We can love each other, we can encourage one another, we can pray for one another and point each other to Jesus, but ultimately we cannot meet every need of the other person. Only Christ can fill the longings in our hearts.
Scripture instructs us to expect the Lord to do great things. He cannot be contrary to His perfect, loving, wonderful nature. He cannot deny His own faithfulness (2 Tim. 2:13). Therefore, we can confidently expect God to be God. We can know that when we seek Him, He will be found (Matt. 7:7). When we hunger after Him, we will be filled (Matt. 5:6). When we come to Him, He will answer us (Is. 65:24). He catches our tears in a bottle and He loves us with an everlasting, never-ending, unfailing love (Jer. 31:3; Ps. 56:8). We can expect God to do these things because He is God and He is faithful. This kind of expectation can be described as faith—a holy hunger and confident longing for God that is rooted in firm belief in the Word.
Expectations that God will give us a husband and that man will fulfill our longings will fail us. Even marriage was designed by God to point us to our need for Christ! It is a holy mystery created by God to illustrate our need for Christ’s love and sacrifice on the cross. We need Jesus. Marriage is just another picture of the Gospel that has rescued our hearts from worthless pursuits and given us new life. Singleness is also a picture of God’s pursuit of our hearts through Jesus. Holy expectations are designed by God to point us to the cross, where we find all hope, satisfaction, and life. The right kind of expectations are satisfied by looking to Jesus. Instead of putting life on hold and waiting for a future husband, we are to expect the love from Jesus that God painted on the cross to fill our hearts and meet our needs.
WAITING: (VERB) THE ACTIVE PURSUIT OF GOD
What if we were to teach girls to actively pursue Christ with all of their hearts instead of simply “waiting for their future husbands”? We would set them up for joy in the present, content singleness, and lasting marriage rooted deeply in the Gospel. Waiting does not mean sitting idly while life passes by. It is the joyful pursuit of the Lord. Like a waiter or waitress actively serves their guests, so are we to serve and live right where we are. We are to entrust our deepest longings to the Lord who planted them within our hearts—and then go and live. We are to daily take up our crosses and follow Jesus, knowing that in following Him is life and abundant joy. We wait on the Lord, because only He can fill our hearts. I believe we would see a beautiful revolution happen if we taught both singles and married couples alike that life is about Christ.
To my sister who is waiting on her future husband:
By all means, wait and trust the Lord with your deepest desires, but do not put your life on hold. Pursue Jesus with every fiber of your being. Wait by serving Him and loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength! Wait by being faithful to Him this day, not wishing for the life that could be tomorrow. Fullness in Christ is now. Colossians 2:10 reminds us that in Him we have been made complete, meaning we lack nothing. You don’t have to do a single thing to convince God to give you a husband. You don’t have to manipulate circumstances to meet a man. All you have to do is be faithful and follow Jesus wherever He leads. If that means Africa, then go. If that means New York, then go. If that means a school, a job, your bedroom on your knees, then go.
Don’t limit God to the realm of the “possible.” Hand Him the pen so He can write an incredible love story on the blank pages of your life. Let Him take care of the details of your life and trust Him that His ways are always best! You are loved more perfectly than any man could ever love you.
Let me encourage you in this: the love story you embark on with Jesus will be far greater than you could have ever imagined—and far different, because the Lord knows the greatest love story ever written is between Christ and His Church.
If you are dreaming of one day cooking for a husband, caring for a home, or even having children, live faithfully where you are this day. By all means, extend God’s grace to those around you! Welcome friends into your home. Cook those meals you’ve always wanted to cook. Make your home into a haven, even if you are the only one living there. Practice the art of hospitality; care for the little ones at your church or the babies who are just waiting for a tender embrace in an orphanage overseas. Don’t put off living by waiting for “someday.” Be the woman God created you to be … right now. You don’t need a ring on your finger to be domestic, to care for others, or to love fiercely. All you need to do is to take a good long look at the love your Savior displayed for you on the cross, and then go from there and love like He loves you. You are living a beautiful romance with Jesus this very day. You don’t have to wait to live this calling.
I am not saying to stop writing letters to your future husband. Write them! Pour your heart out and offer them to the Lord. But be sure to keep Christ as the object of your affection and your forever First Love.
Your love story is right now. Proverbs 31:12 says, “She brings him (her husband) good, not harm, all the days of her life.” First and foremost, the Lord your Maker is your husband who deserves your submission, your love, your time, your talents, and your affection! (Is. 54:5). Your life will never be the same the day your start trusting Him and realize that He is the giver of good gifts and that He is enough to satisfy your soul.
Let’s join together, sisters in Christ, and live life beautifully right now, for the glory of God. Don’t put off living any longer. He is the greatest love story ever told, and you are living this love story with Him.
What a beautiful reminder! I am 25, single, and absolutely loving falling more and more in love with my Savior on a daily basis. He truly is all I need and He has been faithfully showing this to me recently. Oh, the peace that comes from trusting Him with my heart, knowing that nobody could ever take such sweet care of it than the One Who created it. I hope and pray that every young lady out there, single or even married could learn this truth and stick with her Savior. No one could ever begin to be as faithful and loving as He is.
I LOVE hearing that Joselynn!
The Lord is good! He must have known this is exactly what I needed to hear today. I am about to turn 32 and still single. I have really struggled seeing all of my friends get married and start families and have often gone to God wondering if I need to do anything differently and questioning why He has not led me to my spouse yet. It is so comforting to be reassured by someone that I do not need to wait with doubt and anxiety but just live a life focused on Him and He will guide my path be that with a Husband or not ( although I pray it is with a family in the future). I pray that I can cast out comparison to others and He will do work in my life on a timeline fit for me and His purpose for me. Thank you for this post!
His timing is SO perfect! Amen and amen to everything you said! I wanted to send you another blog post I think will encourage you as well: https://wellwateredwomen.com/blog/stil-single
Wow. I am blown away by this. Thank you for your wisdom, your vulnerable heart, and your kindness of understanding that our hearts are weak and our flesh fails. Much love, sis!
Oh Danelle! I understand more than you know! I cried buckets of tears when I was single and wondered if it would ever come to an end. You are not alone. God had a greater journey for me…one that involved falling more in love with Christ (the greatest Gift). Keep looking to Him!
Thank you dear Gretchen, this is so beautifully written and it spoke right to my heart. I too have a box of letters for my future husband, and this article just reinforced the truth to me that all the longings of my heart will always be satisfied with Jesus first and foremost. I bless your heart 🙂
Pearl, that is beautiful! Thank you for sharing. Glad it spoke to you!!
Thank you for this post, Gretchen! All I’ve ever wanted is to find my soulmate. I’m 31 and still single which created a wall between myself and God for many years. I have since broken down that wall and my relationship with God is amazing! I’m at the point where I can say with confidence that I don’t need a husband and God is truly sufficient enough for me. God has taken all my desires for a husband and has refocused them back on him. I don’t think I even want a husband anymore because men have let me down so many times and I know God never will. Anything God gives me besides His unfailing love will be icing on the cake!
This was absolutely beautiful and very much needed. Thank you!
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