This post is from a member of the LLB Community, Hannah Clark:
There’s a song with the lyrics “She’s the slipped disc in the spine of community.” The first time I heard them, they kind of took me for surprise. That was who, at one point in my life, I thought that I was.
I was the one who didn’t know how to make things, community, work. I let that lie seep into my heart and pump through my blood. I believed I was worth nothing because I could contribute nothing because I was not reliable. I was a flake. “I’m sorry I can’t. I’m sick” were words I could never seem to stop saying for years.
Anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder plagued my body, and a whole string of lies that I believed about myself tagged along making symptoms so much worse. I would wake up in the middle of the night with hives covering my body. I was unable to eat real meals for weeks at a time. I couldn’t walk into a crowded room without being so sure I would pass out. I had headaches, and sicknesses of other varieties came quickly because my immune system was so weak. I kind of felt like the lights were on but no one was home.
My grades, relationships, and walk with Jesus were suffering. I refused to acknowledge that anything spiritual was contributing to all of it – I’m sure it’s because then I would have had to admit that there was one more thing that I was “doing all wrong.” These illnesses took control over my entire life. I believed that all I was was a sick girl because I believed that’s all anyone saw me as. I skipped classes, sports games, get-togethers with friends, and church because it felt pretty much impossible to function like a normal person. My body felt heavy, my brain felt foggy, and I felt like no one understood.
To reread over all of those words now seems like I’m reading about someone else. That is not my life anymore! After four years of praying for deliverance and seeking medical help, I’m symptom free.
I took a break from college to go to “Holy Spirit School” as my boyfriend calls it. And I can breathe again. It took so so so long for me to really believe God’s promise that I am a new creation, but now I feel the freedom to walk in that identity every day. I walk in the freedom of knowing that I’m a daughter of God and that evil has no dominion over me and that the only thing left to do is believe those things forever.
And I really really REALLY felt the need to share these things. Because if you’re struggling and you can’t see out of the fog, I get it. Like you have no idea how much I get it. And my soul SINGS when I think about this journey God took me on. And if you’re depressed, or anxious, or whatever else, I want your soul to sing again too.
When He knit me together in my mama’s womb, he knew good and well that this would be part of the tapestry that is my life story. And he saw that that was GOOD. This story has to be a blessing to others and I’m so excited to share this testimony of this season of abundance and thanksgiving that I am walking in.